Shopping Shenanigans
by Ocarina of Thyme
Summary: Humanstuck; Karkat takes Terezi to the mall to pick up a few things - silliness ensues.


"For the umpteenth time, this is not a date you sightless numskull!" You shout as you slam the car door behind you. The girl you are being so short with climbs out of the passenger side, cackling loudly. "Lighten up Karkles, that's no way to talk to a lady; especially a lady you're about to go on a date with."

You are Karkat Vantas and you have lost all control in your pathetic human life to a girl. A blind girl.

You've been Terezi Pyrope's best friend for years, but only recently had you become her chauffer. Of course she couldn't drive herself, (no matter how much she wanted to and insisted she could) so as soon as you got your license you've been hauling her blind ass all around town. You can't complain, you volunteer yourself; you'd never tell her, but the thought of her navigating the streets alone with only her cane genuinely worries you.

On this particular autumn day, Terezi has asked that you take her to the mall so she can pick up some "things". You really don't care what she needs; you just want to get this over with. As you both step into the department store, you hear her sniff loudly a few times as she takes in the new scents. You roll your eyes and nudge her slightly to get her to stop her embarrassing antics, but it only encourages her to further humiliate you. To your complete horror, she holds her cane out arm's length and swings it about dramatically, knocking over several mannequins. "Oh! So that's where I am!" She exclaims triumphantly. For some reason the store manager didn't find her performance as amusing.

"Security!"

"Oops!" Terezi giggles, taking your hand and running. How she knows where she's going you have no idea, but you let her lead you. "This way!" Ahead of you, she dodges clothing racks and shoppers effortlessly, while you stumble and narrowly avoid collisions behind her. How the hell did she do that? You run into her as she comes to a sudden halt in front of the escalator. Oh great.

Ever since you were kids Terezi has had something against being any higher than ground level. You'd tell her that's stupid because it's not like she can see how high up she is anyway, but she'd always insist she could feel it. When she was on the ground she could feel footsteps and what was around her; heights disconnected her from that ability.

She's trying to be brave for you though. Cautiously, she touches her cane to one of the moving steps. She follows its movement until she can no longer reach, then returns the cane to her side and breathes deeply. As she steps haphazardly onto the first step, you can already see it's going to be a recipe for disaster. She struggles to find level ground to set her cane on and wobbles precariously. Instinctively you take the step behind her and place your hand on her back to steady her. She manages to compose herself and get her bearings, but you don't remove your hand. Even though she has the railing in a death grip, you want to make sure she's ok. And you're pretty sure that shiver you felt run down her spine when you touched her was more out of pleasure than fear.

It doesn't take long to reach the top, and when you do Terezi jumps off quicker than a cat out of water. Without warning, she gives you a swift kiss on the cheek. "What a chivalrous date," she teases. She's back to her normal self it seems.

"Fuck you," you mutter, blushing. She cackles, ruffling your dusty brown hair.

"Oh Karkles, you know you—" she stops mid sentence and gasps. "Oh my gog, do you smell that?"

As you step out of the second story of the department store the smell of fresh pretzels practically smacks you in the face. "We just had lunch, you can't possibly be hungry." But she doesn't hear you; she's already standing in front of the pretzel stand. By the time you get to her, her hands are full of food.

"Let's sit!" She merrily skips over to a bench and pats the empty space beside her. Warily, you take your seat on the opposite side. Dissatisfied with the distance between the two of you, Terezi slides down as close to you as possible. "I bought one for you too!" she exclaims, putting a pretzel in your face as if she's not sure you would be able to see it if she didn't. "Lemonade?" she asks innocently, handing the cup to you.

"Rezi?"

"Yes Karkles?"

"Any particular reason you stuffed two straws in this fucking pathetic excuse for a beverage?"

"What sort of date would this be if I didn't?"

Giving in to her little game, you take a sip. Of course she tries to also, but just ends up bumping noses with you and giving you that creepy grin again. Her freckles are all scrunched up and her ridiculous red glasses are falling off. Her red hair moves forward with her and almost brushes against your face.

She's beautiful.

Nervously, you put the lemonade down on the bench. She's still smiling, and your trying to recover from all these stupid emotions you're feeling. "So what the fuck do you even need?" you snap, trying to be your grumpy self again. It was just so hard with her.

"Oh! Uh amos fogo!" she says through a mouth full of pretzel.

"Clear your protein chute first you ill-mannered primate."

"I said, I almost forgot! I just need to pick up one thing and I promise our date will be over Grumpykat!"

You hardly had time to finish even half of your pretzel, but somehow Terezi had already downed hers and was ready to start shopping. You weren't really hungry anyway you suppose.

The mall isn't particularly crowded today, you observe. You also notice that Terezi is walking like a woman on a mission; again you wonder how the fuck she knows where she's going, but over the years you've learned not to question it.

"Oh fuck _no_."

Oh she's crossed the line this time. She has crossed the line, stepped back, and then crossed the line again just to spite you.

"I would have told you if you had just asked!"

"Terezi…" you groan. She is not going to let you live this down.

"Karkat only the manliest of men go to into Victoria's Secret with their dates!"

"Then I am a fucking pansy!"

"Just really quick! What if I get lost?" She drags you by your sleeve, and you reluctantly follow her. Your first instinct is to keep as low a profile as possible, so you gravitate towards the back of the store and stand by the dressing rooms. This could not get any worse.

"Do you need help finding something sir?"

"FUCK NO."

The employee looks at you with disgust, but right now you could care less. You stand there and play with the strings of your grey hoodie to avoid making eye contact with the half naked model posters, and by eye contact you mean staring at their boobs.

"Hey Karkat?"

The query comes from one of the dressing rooms you're standing by. She must have gone in when you weren't looking.

"What?"

The dressing room door opens with a creak and Terezi turns to face you.

She's wearing nothing but lacey red panties and a teal bra.

You make eye contact.

And by eye contact you mean you sink to one of the lowest levels of manly shame. You succumb to the boob staring.

"Hey do these match? Hehe, sort of hard for me to tell."

…"Karkles? You ok?"

And with that you proceed to faint.


End file.
